Well, it’s been far to long since I’ve written anything. I haven’t been able to get my thoughts down in a coherent way, so I’ve been putting this off. Tonight though, I needed to write something. It’s just my thoughts tonight, with no real direction, but I’ll get there…
How do you measure yourself? How do you know if you’re achieving your life purpose?
Parenting? Reaching health and fitness goals? Progress?
Well, whatever it is, I’m not there. I’ve been going backwards for the past year and a half, especially in the last 6 months since my car accident.
My parenting is less than perfect, I’m not always present emotionally and we don’t do all the fun things I wish we could. I have an amazing kid though, I boast about him constantly. He’s intelligent, caring and is always making us laugh. I love him and want to be great for him. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy every single day with him, I need to be strong for him.
Reaching my health and fitness goals, this is the killer for me. My fitness goals have come to a halt since May of this year, all thanks to a car accident. I thought I would be better by now, it’s been 6 months. I thought I was strong. This healing process has made me question my strength, mentally and physically. I was in the process of training for my second Tough Mudder before the accident; that included kickboxing 5-6 days and running 2-3 days a week with some extra strength training added in. I was ready to kick ass at TM and bring home another headband. Well, that didn’t happen, and for the last 6 months I’ve been struggling to get back to where I was. It’s beyond frustrating to look back and see what little progress I’ve made; sure, my injury is slowly healing and I’ve improved that, but physically I’m not even close to where I was.
The daily pain is what gets to me; between the headaches, shoulder, neck and jaw pain, I have zero energy for anything extra after work. I’m trying, hard, to break through this. Push past some of the pain to test my limits and see how far I really can go, but it’s a slow process.
I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this slump. I’ve been trying to take it day by day, write my short and long term goals down, and push myself to succeed in those goals.
This last week and a half I’ve seen a considerable improvement in my physical abilities, which gives me some hope, but I’m still not there mentally. I’m stuck in this funk of feeling sorry for myself, pathetic and weak to let a car accident hinder my abilities.
I’ve been through so much shit in my life, that I’ve fought and overcome, so why is this getting to me? I’m honestly just exhausted from life, and this was my last straw. I’ll get through it, I always do, I’ll just have to fight a bit harder this time.